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DEAR ABBY: A year ago, I met a wonderful man on a cruise. We hit it off fabulously, and since we live 1,000 miles apart, we stay in touch primarily by phone – talking and video chatting. He has come to visit me four times in the past year, and we have taken two trips together. He has met my friends and neighbors and has spoken to my family on the phone (they live in a different state than I do). He says he loves me and that I’m the woman he’s looked for his entire life. 

The problem is, I have never been invited to visit him. When I asked why, he told me his daughters, who are in their 20s and live at home, as well as his siblings are opposed to him dating and want him to reunite with his ex. (He has been divorced for three years.) That is concerning enough, but I have never spoken to any of his friends on the phone, either. 

Something smells fishy. It feels like either I’m nothing more than a “side piece,” or perhaps he’s ashamed of me and doesn’t want me to meet or talk to anyone he knows. Or maybe he’s not divorced after all. I don’t want to waste precious time on something that isn’t going to go anywhere. Are my expectations too great, or am I an idiot for allowing this to go on as long as I have? – FEELING FOOLISH IN FLORIDA

 

DEAR FEELING FOOLISH: I don’t blame you for being concerned. If, after a year of being “courted,” you still haven’t been introduced to this wonderful man’s friends or family, something doesn’t add up. Either the man is spineless, or he hasn’t been upfront with you about his circumstances. 

If you can’t convince him to stand up for himself and make clear to his relatives that he has moved on from his divorce – AND you can control your emotions – pay him a surprise visit. If he has been stringing you along, he deserves to be outed.

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DEAR ABBY: I grew up poor. Because of that, I spoiled my daughter rotten. I gave her everything, but it has backfired. When she turned 16, my husband and I bought her a brand-new $70,000 BMW. I told him I didn’t want my daughter to be without anything like I was. She didn’t want the $70,000 BMW; she wanted the $100,000 one. My husband said it was beyond his budget. 

When my daughter received her car, she wasn’t happy. She kicked the car and dented it because it wasn’t the one she wanted. My husband took it to a body shop and paid to have it fixed. She says that when it gets out of the body shop, she is going to kick it again and then it will be even worse. 

I know what you think I should do. But if I take it away and disown her, she will drop out of college, and her life will be ruined. I know that I’m 100% in the wrong. I just need help, and hopefully, you will have an answer that is different than everyone else’s. Please help me with another suggestion. – AT MY WITS’ END

 

DEAR AT MY WITS’: Gladly! When your ungrateful daughter again damages the car you so generously gave her, DO NOT FIX IT. Instead, let her drive it “as is” and let her experience the consequences of what she has done. If you do, you will be giving her a gift far more valuable than the price of the vehicle. Better late than never.

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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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To receive a collection of Abby’s most memorable – and most frequently requested – poems and essays, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby – Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)