DEAR ABBY: My 98-year-old mother has spent the last eight years in a nursing home. My siblings and I placed her there when her health declined to a point where it was no longer safe for her to live alone. Her mind is sharp, but she has a hard time getting around and caring for herself. She has made friends there and is loved by everyone who meets her.

I live 65 miles away and visit her every two weeks. My brother lives several hours away and tries to see her every six to eight weeks. My sisters live closer and visit Mom often. Mom enjoys these visits. 

The problem is the eight grandchildren. Most of them live nearby and are either too busy or say they can’t stand to visit Grandma “in the home.” The ones who live farther away hardly ever call. My siblings and I have tried dropping subtle hints by telling them how much a visit would mean to her, to no avail. My worry is that someday they’ll realize the mistake they made by not visiting her while she can still carry on a meaningful conversation.

Mom never complains, but she has said she’d like to see or hear more from relatives. Why is it that people always have time to go to a funeral but don’t take the time to visit someone special while they’re still alive? I hope my letter convinces someone out there to find time in their busy schedule to visit a person in a nursing home. – DAUGHTER IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.

 

DEAR DAUGHTER: You are a caring daughter. I, too, hope your letter does provide a timely reminder that the time to befriend people is while they are breathing. I suspect that many avoid nursing homes and care facilities because they consider them to be depressing. However, unless the patient/resident is so infirm that he or she can’t be moved, nothing prevents a son, daughter or grandchild from taking their relative OUT for a nice brunch, lunch or dinner. 

The next time you visit Mom, take one or more of your children along. It would lessen the responsibility of making conversation for them and, if you can take your mother out, the change of scenery might benefit all concerned. 

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DEAR ABBY: My wife of 15 years cheated on me with a man 20 years her senior. I never so much as winked at another woman. We are divorced now, but I know we still love each other. She calls me from her new house in the middle of the night if she’s scared, even though she plans to marry him. She knows I’m the love of her life. Am I crazy for holding on? I can’t help but still love her. Is she just using me? Is there any hope? – IN LIMBO IN IDAHO

 

DEAR IN LIMBO: The divorce is final. That she is planning to marry the man she cheated with should be sending you a strong message – and it isn’t that she still loves you. If she gets scared in the middle of the night, remind her that she now has a fiancé to protect her. Then change your number. 

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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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