Daughter wishes stepfather would visit mom more often

Published 9:33 am Tuesday, January 28, 2020

DEAR ABBY: My mother is in a locked ward of a nursing home because she has Alzheimer’s and is a flight risk. My stepfather has begun dating her best friend. He doesn’t consider it dating because, at 85, he’s no longer capable of having a physical relationship. However, taking someone to dinner, the theater, church or to a movie constitutes a date to me. People in our small town are talking. I don’t care about that. It’s not their business.

I don’t begrudge my stepfather and his lady their relationship, but he no longer visits Mom as often as he used to. He looks for any excuse not to. An example: He will say he doesn’t want to drive in the rain, then drive in a downpour to go on a date with “The Other Woman.” He says Mom forgets he was there five minutes after he leaves, which, unfortunately, is true. But she lights up when she sees him, and it gives her a moment of joy to visit with him. She knows he’s her husband, and the last time we had a family visit, she snuggled up to him and said, “I love you.”

Am I wrong to think my stepfather is not fulfilling his vows by neglecting his wife of 25 years? I truly do not mind that he’s lonely and dating, but I feel he should balance his time between the two women in his life. — FAIR-MINDED IN TEXAS

Subscribe to our free email newsletter

Get the latest news sent to your inbox

DEAR FAIR-MINDED: You say you don’t begrudge your stepfather having a social life, and yet you call what he’s doing neglect. Whether your mother is aware of the fact that he’s spending time away from her is debatable. I assume she’s receiving excellent care, and that both of you check to ensure it.

Quite frankly, what I think about this is irrelevant. The person with whom you should discuss this is your stepfather. Unless you have walked a mile in his shoes, I do not think you should judge him.


DEAR ABBY: I love my brother, but my sister-in-law, “Daisy,” drives me crazy. Luckily, they live in another state.

I want to see my brother, but getting together always involves his wife. When they travel to see us, they stay for about a week. All Daisy wants to do when they are here is shop. My husband and brother have no interest in going, so it’s just the two of us.

My problem is, whatever I buy, she buys the same thing. Or, if she sees me wear something she likes, she looks for the same thing to buy. She thinks it’s OK because they live in a different state. Daisy does this with her other sister-in-law, too, and they live in the same city. We’re both fed up. What should we do? — COPIED IN FLORIDA

DEAR COPIED: It is said that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Daisy may be insecure about her own fashion choices, which is why she copies yours. Because this bothers you to the degree that it does, the direct way to deal with it would be to tell Daisy it makes you feel encroached upon. Either that or, when you take her shopping, tell her you are going along only to keep her company while SHE shops, and keep your wallet in your purse.


Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.