Best friend can’t suppress his crush on gay woman

Published 8:19 am Thursday, March 5, 2020

DEAR ABBY: I am a gay woman. My male best friend has had a crush on me for more than a year. It is so intense that he is almost delusional. We have talked extensively about it. He knows where I stand and that it will never happen, and he says he accepts that. But he can’t stand the thought of me spending time with a woman, even if it’s just a friend. He wants all of my time and doesn’t want to share me, even with mutual friends.

Here’s the kicker: I had invited him to move back to my college town with me. We both thought that moving to a big city would open up more dating opportunities for us and help him get over me. It was an ordeal for him, but he put in a ton of work to be able to move. We planned to be housemates. This happened during a time when we thought he was feeling more resolved about our relationship.

We have been staying with my relative while we search for a house in the big city, so we are trapped in the same space, and he has nowhere else to go. Since moving in together, his feelings for me have resurged. I no longer want to be roommates because of his possessiveness. But it would devastate him if I left him alone here, especially since it was my idea to go, and I was meant to be his support system. I feel like I am trapped in his drama and cannot live my life without ruining his. Please help! — TRAPPED LESBIAN IN THE WEST

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DEAR TRAPPED LESBIAN: Do not rent an apartment with him or buy a house! To do so would be an expensive mistake. You cannot fulfill his needs. If you allow this to continue, he will destroy every opportunity that comes your way because it will be a threat to his fantasy.

He needs to find other living arrangements NOW, and you and your relative should insist upon it. This is not going to have a fairy-tale ending, and you probably will not remain friends as you move along with your life. But move along is what you must do, for both your sakes.


DEAR ABBY: I went out of town on a business trip with two co-workers (both females), and the trip was a success. We got along great and accomplished all of the goals we set for ourselves during our stay.

During the few outings we had off company time, however, there were moments when we all wanted to link up and do everything together but our stomachs disagreed. If I wanted to go to breakfast at 8 a.m., someone would want to go at 11 a.m., or another co-worker wouldn’t want to go at all. Another example is, we would plan dinners (after touring the city all day) at a certain time, but it was so late my stomach would growl loudly.

I understand that flexibility is key, but my metabolism works overtime compared to theirs. How do I go about venturing off on my own for food without coming across as rude or looking like I’m not a team player? — HUNGRY MAN IN NEW YORK

DEAR HUNGRY MAN: Explain it to your co-workers as you have to me. If your body is signaling that you must eat something NOW, you need to do it — if only enough to take the edge off your hunger. To do that isn’t rude. Taking care of yourself is important, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t a team player. Perhaps you should carry something with you to tide you over from meal to meal.


Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.