Dad wants nephew’s death kept a secret from his kids

Published 8:18 am Friday, October 9, 2020

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DEAR ABBY: My husband’s nephew passed away last week. He was only 26, and it was a complete shock. No one realized he was using drugs. My husband is attending the funeral (a nine-hour drive) and will be gone for four days. We have two children, ages 7 and 9, and because of the pandemic, we’ve decided I will stay home with them.
I’m writing to you because my husband doesn’t want to tell our kids that their cousin has died — ever. We don’t see his family often — maybe once every few years — but the kids remember their cousin, and I’m sure they will ask about him next time we visit.
I think we need to tell them, but he is adamant they never know. Should I fill them in while he’s gone or wait until he’s ready to break the news? — FORTHCOMING IN MAINE

DEAR FORTHCOMING: I do not recommend going behind your husband’s back with a parenting decision like this one. He may be trying to shield the children from the reality that not only old people but also young people are mortal.
When he returns, approach the kids together, and in an age-appropriate manner, explain to them separately what happened. Many young people experiment with drugs because they think that addiction and death won’t happen to them. Knowing what happened to their cousin could ensure it won’t happen to either of them.
DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with a guy for a year and a half. We don’t live together. During the pandemic, his regular job shut down. He finally got another job and bought lawn equipment to keep in my shed.
His behavior has changed, Abby. I haven’t heard from him in weeks. He says men don’t call women anymore, and if I want to talk to him, I should call him. How do you know if you are in a relationship if there’s no communication? Plus, he gets irritated when I bring it up. — NOT RIGHT IN THE EAST

DEAR NOT RIGHT: When someone’s behavior suddenly changes, there is usually a reason. What that reason may be, I can’t guess and neither can you. The dynamic in your relationship with this person is definitely different.
Call him and ask him if his feelings for you have changed. It may be that he is depressed. It may also be he now has a job and is busy. That he becomes irritated when you have tried to raise the subject tells me he is defensive. And that’s a red flag.
DEAR ABBY: Is it OK for 70-year-olds to get engaged? Both of us are widowed after long marriages. My wife died two years ago. Her husband passed more than three years ago. I am 77, and she is 75. We are both active and feel lucky to have found love again. We have been a couple for seven months now. I could find nothing about it on the internet.
Also, how long should we be engaged? Could we announce an engagement without setting a wedding date? Should I give her an engagement ring? I am not experienced. My last engagement was in 1961. That marriage lasted 56 years. — IN THE DARK IN NEW MEXICO

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DEAR IN THE DARK: I assume you and this lady are already discussing marriage. While you are doing that, ask her if she would like a ring and whether she would like to join you in selecting one or would prefer to be “surprised.” You can announce an engagement without mentioning a wedding date, but because you have been a couple for only seven months, consider formalizing your union on the anniversary of your first meeting.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order “How to Be Popular.” Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)