Man wants to quit trying after wife’s multiple miscarriages

Published 8:45 am Wednesday, April 21, 2021

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DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have had a total of six miscarriages — one before our miracle son and five since we began trying for a second child more than two years ago.
I always wanted a boatload of children, but my husband and I agreed on two before we got married. Now he wants to call it quits. He doesn’t want to keep trying because he sees the emotional toll each loss has on me. I want to get a second opinion from a fertility specialist who helped a friend with similar issues.
The only way I know how to describe the way I feel is that it feels as though “someone” is missing from our family. I ache and long for and miss that person, even though I’ve never met them. I know deep in my soul, that they are supposed to be here. Missing them doesn’t mean I love my husband and son any less. But as much as I love those two, I also miss that person. What should my husband and I do? — CHALLENGED IN TEXAS

DEAR CHALLENGED: Please accept my heartfelt sympathy. Clearly you have been through a wrenching time, and your loving husband is reluctant to see you continue to suffer as you have been. You and your husband should talk to the fertility specialist who helped your friend. However, if more treatment is unsuccessful, it will be time for you to seek a referral to a licensed psychotherapist who can help you cope with your disappointment and loss.
Because you can’t escape the feeling that someone is missing, perhaps you might consider using a surrogate, fostering or adopting a child who needs a loving home and family.
DEAR ABBY: I have been single for almost three years. I recently started dating a man who, I have realized over the past few weeks, has a problem with me spending time with friends without him. I have explained that it is a healthy and normal thing to have friends and to go do things with them. I have explained that he has nothing to worry about because I am respectful of our relationship and a faithful girlfriend. I have also begun to notice that he has no friends.
I have told him he is coming across as controlling. I don’t want this to be a problem with him, and I don’t know how to get him to see that it’s normal for people to go and have fun as friends. My friends are classmates of mine, both male and female, and younger than I am. One of them is gay. I have explained that as well to my boyfriend. Am I overthinking this as a potential problem or is this truly a red flag? — CATCHING IT NOW IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CATCHING IT: You are not overthinking anything, and yes, this is a red flag — not a potential one. The person you have described appears to be so insecure that any activity you have that doesn’t include him is perceived as a threat. The longer you remain involved with this person, the harder he will try to socially isolate you. Please do not allow that to happen. End it now.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Good advice for everyone — teens to seniors — is in “The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It.” To order, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

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