Woman dumbfounded by fiancé’s intolerance

Published 9:12 am Friday, October 1, 2021

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DEAR ABBY: About a year ago, my fiancé of six years revealed that he doesn’t think homosexuality is normal or right. I was shocked because he had never mentioned it before, nor did I see any signs that he thought that way. We’ve gone to Pride celebrations, and we both have gay relatives and friends.
When we discuss how we will raise our children, it always winds up in an argument. He doesn’t want our future children to be influenced by gay people on TV and doesn’t want me to “encourage” it. He did say that, after the child turns 18, he would accept what they “choose.” I would like to teach my children to accept people’s true selves.
I have tried reasoning with him and using logic as to why there’s nothing wrong with gay people and begged him to think about it from their perspective. Nothing I can say changes his mind. He was raised by a very “macho” father who thinks the same way. What should I do? Do you think a marriage would survive this kind of disagreement? Would therapy help? — MORE ACCEPTING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR MORE ACCEPTING: Be glad your fiancé has been honest with you about this — even if it’s five years late. One would think that having gay friends and a gay relative would have shown him that sexual orientation isn’t something a person “chooses.” Gay people can no more help being attracted to members of the same sex than straight people can help being attracted to people of the opposite sex.
Therapy can be helpful and provide valuable insight to individuals who are willing to admit they need it. I hope your fiancé will consider this. Children come out much earlier today than in years past, and it’s important they feel safe doing it. Being forced to wait longer could cause damage that lasts a lifetime. For your sake and theirs, get to the core of what is going on with this man, and decide what to do accordingly.
DEAR ABBY: I was divorced 33 years ago. My son was a year old at the time. My ex was doing drugs and had lost his job. He never paid alimony or child support or acknowledged any birthdays or Christmas, so we struggled for many years to buy the necessities. We have grown close to a few of his family members over the last few years.
My son is now about to be married. My ex is not invited to the ceremony, but he sent a nice amount of money. My son and I are torn about what we should do. I feel my son deserves the money, but it isn’t even close to making up for 34 years of neglect. So, how do you say “thank you” for something that’s too little and far too late? — MOM OF THE GROOM

DEAR MOM: How to say “thank you” is not your problem. Your son and his fiancée should deal with this as they wish, including accepting the money. (Newlyweds can always use the money.)
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in “What Every Teen Should Know.” Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

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