Friend feels abandoned at worst possible time
Published 8:39 am Thursday, January 19, 2023
DEAR ABBY: The last two years have been especially tough. I went through a breakup after a four-year relationship, my dog developed cancer and I had to put her to sleep, and I caught COVID and have been dealing with long-haul symptoms ever since. My energy is low because of it, plus I’ve been depressed with all the events that have happened.
I have two best friends I’ve known since I was 16. I’m 34 now. I thought they would be there for me through anything. We were close until recently. They no longer invite me to get-togethers, and they hang out and exclude me. I try to stay in contact, but when I talk with them, it doesn’t progress from small talk. The few times I have seen them, I stayed positive and didn’t discuss my problems.
They have children, and I’m single and childless, which may have caused the divide between us. Being excluded hurts. When I mention it, they say, “You don’t have kids. I didn’t think you’d want to come.” It feels like a slap in the face. I need my friends more than ever right now because I feel very alone through one of the toughest times of my life. How do I mend these friendships? Am I unreasonable for being upset? — DISAPPOINTED FRIEND IN VIRGINIA
DEAR FRIEND: Discuss your feelings with your friends. They may not be trying to isolate you intentionally. You are in very different phases of your lives right now. They may sincerely believe that being invited to kid parties would bore you, as would their constant chatter about what their precious little ones are doing, saying, etc. (This may seem like blasphemy, but more than a few childless adults feel that way.)
If you explain that you need their emotional support after everything you have been through, they may step forward. Recognize that your friends with kids are a “package deal.” If you bond with their kids, it might bring you all closer. However, if that doesn’t happen, you will have to summon the energy to find new friends whose lives better align with yours.
DEAR ABBY: I bought my roommate the most beautiful pair of earrings for her birthday. It has been more than a month, and she still hasn’t worn them, not even when I once suggested it, although she has frequently worn a second pair of earrings I previously bought her.
I don’t have pierced ears, but the earrings in question could be made into an adorable necklace. I think if she doesn’t want them, it would be nice for me to get them back since they were expensive and I like them so much myself. How can I politely ask if she plans on ever wearing them, and if not, if I can have them back? Or would it work better if I suggest that we can each get one earring made into a necklace so that we can match? — BEJEWELED IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR BEJEWELED: Ask your roommate to tell you honestly if she likes the earrings you gave her. Tell her that if she doesn’t, you DO like them — very much — and would be glad to gift her something else of her choosing. THEN suggest that she might return the earrings to you so you can use them to make matching necklaces. I don’t think it would be rude, and neither should she.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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