Son’s choices as grown-up draw fire from his father

Published 8:29 am Tuesday, January 30, 2024

DEAR ABBY: I am the father of an adult son, “Kirk,” who is in a relationship with a younger woman who has a young child. Neither is well educated, but they both have decent jobs.
Kirk has a teenage daughter who is getting ready for college in another state. They are close, although I’m not sure to what degree he supports her financially. I have saved some money for her college, but he has not. Kirk never married her mom.
My concern had been that my son and his girlfriend might be trying to have a baby. When he told me she is pregnant, I was beyond livid and let him know what a mistake this was. I told Kirk he owns nothing nor does she, and asked what that baby has to look forward to. His girlfriend receives no support from her child’s father.
My son has now stopped talking to me. Is this my fault? I spoke what I believed was in the best interest of all parties involved, financially and morally. – SEES A MISTAKE IN FLORIDA

DEAR SEES: Sometimes, before we speak, it is wise to ask ourselves, “Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind?” While your comment was true, the girlfriend is already pregnant.
Financially, Kirk will be on the hook until his second child becomes an adult, whether or not he marries the mother, so I’m thinking what you said was neither helpful nor kind. If you want a relationship with your son, it may be time to apologize.
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DEAR ABBY: I am a lesbian who has been in a relationship for a year and a half. My partner was with men the majority of her life. One of her last exes is someone she now calls her best friend. She talks with and texts him every day. I now have trust issues with them because of something I saw four months ago.
I love a lot about her, except she’s not very affectionate with me, and I need that. I knew when I was first getting involved with her that he was going to be in her life. They have no children tying them together, but we all go kayaking often. Although I’m not comfortable with it, she has given me no choice if I want to kayak with her. She also hides things from me, like when she buys him gifts.
How do I handle the jealousy I feel for him? I can’t stand to be around him, because I know in my gut there is deception. But I don’t want to lose all the good I have with her. – THREE’S A CROWD IN VIRGINIA

DEAR THREE’S A CROWD: What does “all the good you have with her” entail? What I gather from your letter is that you have spent a year and a half with someone who is bisexual, whom you don’t completely trust, and who makes you feel like a third wheel.
From where I sit, your jealousy is justified. Three in a relationship is awfully crowded, unless it’s by mutual agreement. If you haven’t talked to her about your feelings, you should. And if you can’t arrive at a resolution, end your suffering and move on.
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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